The Art Of Saying No

Introduction

A lot of us go through life always saying yes, and always accepting what happens to us. We never question ourselves and we barely question others, we often have a tendency to go through life letting people walk over us. We got into a comfortable job because our parents told us to do so, and so we accepted their conditioning blindly and we found a comfortable job, with a payroll that is meh, but hey, it’s easy to do and you can spend your day on Facebook.

The demands on our time and energy are constant in our modern world. We’re asked to do this and that, to spend time here and there, and so we’re always moving, constantly accepting, and we often lose ourselves because we don’t learn to set boundaries.

But before diving in into the heart of the subject, why is it important to say no?

Well, saying no is important for many reasons. The first reason is your mental health. By saying no to “opportunities” (most perceived opportunities are actually a loss of time), you can better protect your mental health. Setting boundaries and being firm about them can help you reduce anxiety because there’s less demand on your time and energy.

This can also help you prevent burnout. When you’re constantly demanded here and there and you’ve got a big pile of work and the kids to bring to school and the car to go and get fixed and the computer to repair, you easily get tense, stressed, your breath sometimes even shortens, you get rigid and your energy doesn’t flow freely through your body, it gets tense, like knots.

When you breathe deeply, calm down, take time to also relax, sit down, and process what is happening, you unlock your internal knots, you feel better, and you feel more free to take action. When you say no to “opportunities”, you also learn to say yes to let yourself process what is happening. This can prevent burnout, anxiety, stress, etc.

Also, prioritizing important tasks can lead to better productivity. When you say no to all “opportunities” and say yes to the truly important ones, not only are you boosting your productivity, but also your decision-making skills. You focus on one thing in your work and make more progress on this opportunity than any other. In this way, you might be able to beat your competition and produce higher-quality work, faster.

Instead of spreading your attention left and right you simply learn to relax your attention in the present moment and work on what really matters. Instead of working on a Facebook Ad and at the same time on a video and at the same time on an article and at the same time on a new merch project, you simply shut up, focus on the article, and produce high-quality work, maybe even in higher quantities.

Setting boundaries keeps distractions at bay, and this enables you to ultimately better your quality of work.

As for your social relationships, the art of saying no enables you to set boundaries with other people, which promotes relationships of mutual respect between you and the other person. You learn to make sacrifices and have priorities, which makes the other person respect you more if what you do is right and honest.

Also, saying no helps you become more authentic with people, which is deeply important for yourself and for others. When you’re authentic, you’re not playing a false game. Being authentic doesn’t mean letting your lizard brain bring you back to scrolling on social media at work or eating chips, it means letting “opportunities” down, in order to work on what really matters to you.

Also, agreeing to things you don’t want to do can lead to resentment and strain relationships. Instead, learning to say no enables you to set boundaries and to maintain healthy relationships with your environment.

Recognizing your limits and setting boundaries is important.

So, how to actually say no?

How to say no

When someone asks you to do something and you don’t want to or can’t do it, simply say no gracefully. Explain why you can’t do it, and be clear with the other person. Be assertive and confident in your choice, if it’s right. Also, before making your choice, consider it. Don’t jump in right away, really think over it.

When you say no, say no firmly and gently too so as not to offend the other person, and assume your position. Don’t back up in fear of people judging you, be honest about what you think, and stand strong in your faith, if it is bettering yourself and the world in the process.

Repeating that you can't do something for example can also help you establish more boundaries. If people try to force themselves through your limits, repeating no and being firm in your decision can help really assert yourself in the situation.

Also, try to offer an alternative. Offering an alternative can help the other person whilst at the same time not burdening you much. You’re contributing but not doing.

For example, let’s say you’re at work and your boss gives you the making of a huge presentation for a big business conference with every director of the company’s agencies all over the country. You’re already overworked and you work all day long on the project.

One day, your boss comes to your office and asks you to, on top of the presentation, write down a contract for a new order of a certain product and this and that. He basically gives you additional work. In this case, if you know that your productivity is going to be hindered, that you truly don’t have the time, and that you’re already quite overworked, set your boundaries and say no. Don’t be offensive, aggressive, or against your boss.

It’s not you versus your boss, it’s you and your boss versus the problem. Since it’s you and your boss versus the problem, assert yourself, make your boundaries clear, and, then, find alternatives. “Oh, Jimmy is done with the making of the Facebook account for the company agency, maybe you can go on and give this task to him”. In this way, you can advance in your work without being stressed out, overworked, or burned out by additional projects that you said sheepishly “yes” to.

Now sometimes you’ll have an obligation, but by being empathetic, polite, understanding, and giving honest solutions to the problem, you can maybe convince your boss to delay the work to someone else or to another time. If you make your boss understand your productivity and quality of work could be impacted by such action (adding additional work on top of the work you’re already doing), this might convince your boss to stop giving additional work.

If you’re invited to a dinner with friends but you really don’t or can’t go to it, simply say no. Say that you’re sorry but that you need some time for yourself this weekend or that you’re overcommitted.

If someone asks you to volunteer at an association but you’re overcommitted, you can also say so. You’re not OBLIGATED to say “Yes”, even tho that may activate a change in your perceived social status, or it might induce some experiences that might help with your growth. Maybe a few people will believe that you’re just lazy and you’re finding excuses, but who cares? Is it worth your mental health? If you don't want to attend it even with having free time, you can also say no. Volunteering has the word "volunteer" in it. There's a reason why.

Now, be honest with yourself too: are you just lazy or are you REALLY overcommitted or overworked? Self-improvement needs to be the logic here, and without pushing yourself past your boundaries you’re not going to induce too much growth. You need to push yourself, so if you really do think you can still take more work from your boss for example, you can accept. But, don’t sheepishly say yes every time. When you really CAN’T and you know it’s too much, then say no. As easy as that. “No.”

If you’ve let people walk over you all your life, it might be difficult or even very difficult at first to learn to say “no.” But as time passes, you will get used to that skill, and your ability to say no will become better and better, until you can stand strong in your faith, be assertive, and set boundaries.

Also, remember to always say no in a friendly manner. Sure, if someone is holding a knife pointing at you and asking you for your money, you're not going to say "I'm really sorry and I sincerely think this could be interesting, but really, I can't!". But if it's your boss asking you to take on additional work that you know you can't complete, in this case saying no in a friendly manner is better than saying a straight-up "no". Make the no look cool in social relationships and you'll probably convince them even more.

Conclusion

Learning to say no is a quintessential skill in life. In a world with constant demands on our time and energy, we need to stand strong in faith and be assertive in our truths, so we can lead better lives, foster better relationships, become more productive, and protect our mental and physical health from stress, burnout, anxiety and overwork.

As always, thank you for reading, and I’ll see you next time.

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